Ceremony #8: Transcendence
The Ceremony Setting
My second Ayahuasca ceremony delved into deeper realms of darkness compared to my first. This time, the backdrop was a yoga studio tucked away near Mimo in Miami. Like the initial ceremony, it spanned the entire night and was led by Shaman Omar, who had guided my first journey. What made this ceremony particularly special was the presence of a good friend, an experienced participant, which comforted me. We opted for mattresses over sleeping bags, aiming for comfort during our intense night.
The ceremony commenced with Shaman Omar serving the Ayahuasca. I felt the impact almost immediately after sipping from the small cup, my sensitivity heightened from prior experiences. As I lay on the mattress, I watched others take their turn, each person quietly absorbing the gravity of the moment. Following the completion of the circle, Omar introduced a brief meditation accompanied by his hauntingly beautiful icaros, easing us deeper into the experience.
Turmoil and Visions
However, tranquility eluded me. My thoughts raced at a frenetic pace, causing me to squirm and repeatedly remove my eyeshades to scan the room. At one point, overwhelmed, I considered checking on my friend, presuming he was more settled. To my astonishment, when I glanced his way, I found him equally agitated—his jitteriness surpassing mine, which, in a strange way, helped me relax slightly.
As the opportunity for a second serving arose, I declined. My body felt paralyzed, unresponsive to my commands. Then, vivid hallucinations began: a native Indian shaman enveloped my vision, pulling me into a spiral of relentless thoughts. During one particularly intense moment, I blurted out to Ayahuasca, "Why can't my mind stop talking?" The answer came back in a humorous tone, "You know how some people talk a lot? They do because they have a lot to say." This unexpected reply triggered a burst of laughter from me, easing my discomfort momentarily.
Conversations with the Mind
Another vision followed; my brain appeared as a cartoon character beside me, sipping a piña colada. I asked it why it wouldn't quiet down, to which it replied with a wink, "Buddy, my shift's over. You're the one in charge now." This surreal interaction was cut short as I began to feel nauseous. In defiance, I argued with Madre Ayahuasca, insisting I wouldn't succumb to vomiting despite her assertions to the contrary.
A Journey through Darkness
As the struggle intensified, I was gripped by a profound thirst. My mouth parched, I reached for my water bottle, only to knock it over, spilling its contents. Desperate, I eyed my friend's full bottle a short distance away. What followed was a half-hour ordeal of twisting and turning to grasp it, a battle against my own incapacitated body, all under Ayahuasca's watchful presence.
Ultimately, I managed to bring the bottle to my lips, but as I did, my strength failed me and it slipped, joining the puddle formed by the first. Defeated and soaked, I lay in the growing wetness, which now reached my shoulders. It was in this moment of utter surrender that I truly let go, allowing Ayahuasca to guide me into a profoundly dark vision.
I found myself bound in the trunk of a car, feeling the gravel beneath as we drove to a secluded cornfield near Las Vegas. Mafia-like figures pulled me out and, after a brief and ominous dig, threw me into a freshly excavated grave. The sensation of a shovel cracking against my neck plunged me into a darkness so complete, it was peaceful, a stark contrast to the violence of the act.
Revelations and Release
Reawakening beside Madre Ayahuasca, I shared how unexpectedly peaceful the violent vision had felt. Responding to this, she led me deeper, guiding me into a vivid vision that transported me back to a significant moment from a previous relationship. We had just returned to my living room after spending a perfect day at the beach—a day that stood out as the peak of our six-month relationship that has since ended. As we transitioned from the joyous beach setting to the quiet of home, I was struck by a profound realization: despite the euphoria of that day, I knew deep down that this relationship wasn’t what I truly wanted.
Although I was aware that the relationship was not right for me, I was afraid to share these feelings, leading her on for another two months. This fear resulted in more suffering for both of us. As I withheld my true feelings, I found myself responding less quickly than before, making fewer plans, and gradually withdrawing my effort. This slow retreat added layers of discomfort and disconnection, exacerbating the situation and amplifying our eventual pain.
Madre Ayahuasca instructed me to observe carefully as she reenacted this pivotal moment. Unlike the reality where I had remained silent, in this vision, I did something different. As we sat in the living room, still basking in the afterglow of our beach day, the scene paused at its emotional peak. Here, Ayahuasca showed me a version of myself who chose courage over silence. I turned to the girl I was seeing and, amidst the residual happiness, I confessed that I didn’t see a future for our relationship. This confrontation was far more daunting than any physical threat I had ever faced, even more terrifying than the earlier harrowing vision of my own murder. The vulnerability of exposing my true feelings was immensely more frightening than confronting death itself.
As this alternate reality unfolded, where I was honest about my feelings at that crucial moment, a wave of painful emotions surged through me. Yet, amidst this emotional storm, a song of stunning beauty began to play. Its melody calmed the turmoil within me, soothing my spirit and bringing tears of release and understanding. This poignant song not only eased my emotional pain but also helped me forgive myself for the suffering caused by my previous silence. Through this vision, Ayahuasca taught me the healing power of truth and the profound impact of facing our deepest fears head-on.
After the song's serene notes faded, I lay there enveloped in silence, the turmoil within me settling into a state of deep relaxation. As I gathered my thoughts, I remembered I had brought a few items to explore during the ceremony, one of which was Ram Dass's "Be Here Now." Inside the book, an incense stick I had used as a bookmark exuded a potent fragrance. As the strong scent filled the air, I closed my eyes, and a rich laughter enveloped the space. When I opened my eyes again, I found myself in a vivid vision: an elderly Ram Dass and his guru were standing before me, laughing heartily as they playfully sprayed the incense around me. Their laughter seemed to mock my ego, playfully chiding it for its previous tumult.
Transcendental Realizations
As the laughter and the scent gradually subsided, the vision of the two spiritual figures faded, leaving me in complete darkness. There, I felt the presence of Ayahuasca next to me, as if we were sitting together in meditation. It was in this profound silence that I whispered a request to her, asking to be shown what true divinity looked like.
Responding to my plea, Ayahuasca wasted no time. Before I could even fully articulate the word "divinity," I was completely transported—vanished into an existence beyond comprehension. The transition was not gradual; there was no sensation of drifting away. Instead, it was instantaneous, as if the very mention of divinity acted as a key unlocking a door to the unknown. The only remnants of reality were the final syllables of my question echoing in my mind.
In that indescribable realm, the constructs of time and space dissolved into irrelevance. There, my conscious mind ceased to operate in its usual way; I transcended the ordinary experiences of perception. I was plunged so deeply into the essence of the unknown that words like 'existence' or 'void' became meaningless. It wasn’t that these concepts were overwhelming; rather, they simply did not apply. I was beyond the reach of any describable experience, utterly removed from any sense of self or surroundings.
The first inkling that I was too deep came from within me—a voice in my mind pleading, "Enough... Please, enough. That's way too much, please." It was a plea for relief from an intensity that was too vast for my human senses to bear.
A Glimpse Beyond the Veil
As I returned from that divine expanse, the room around me seemed to expand infinitely, transforming into a vast, behind-the-scenes tableau of spiritual activity. It was as if I had awoken from the dream of my current life into a more fundamental reality. The space buzzed with the energy of numerous Ayahuasca ceremonies happening simultaneously. Shamans and ethereal helpers moved gracefully through the area, shaking sacred chakrunas and cleansing participants with their potent energies. This place felt like the operational backstage to our everyday reality, a hidden layer where deeper truths unfolded.
In this profound setting, an ancient helper approached me. As she worked to clear my energies, she revealed that we are part of a divine experiment. God, she explained, is searching for something elusive and critically important—hidden within the uncomfortable situations of our lives. This isn't just about personal trials but a larger, divine quest, where each challenge could hold the key to what God is striving to discover. She emphasized the importance of facing these moments with authenticity and courage, underscoring that our true selves are integral to this cosmic search.
Reflection and Closure
As I returned, I found myself still enveloped by darkness, with Ayahuasca meditating silently beside me in the pitch black. I shared with her the persistent feeling I'd had over the past few months about a mysterious door, one that high teachers knew of and had passed through, representing the pinnacle of spiritual ascension. I asked her if she could show me this door. To my surprise, there was no hesitation in her response; she readily agreed, saying, "Of course, I can show you the door, no problem. But you can only go through it naturally. You can’t force your way into it."
She then led me to a space where a door seemed to have been sketched onto the darkness with chalk. She turned the knob, and as it opened, everything flowed through and from that door—its presence was so overwhelming that it seemed to dissolve my mind into the void. It was a state of complete and utter nothingness, beyond even silence. I stood there in awe, unable to grasp the true nature of what I was witnessing.
Turning to Madre Ayahuasca, I noticed the Lubavitch Rebbe standing by her side. I sensed that he, too, was aware of this door, but that was the extent of my understanding from our brief interaction. As the vision faded, I slowly began to reconnect with the tangible world around me, grounding myself back in the room and the reality of the earth.
The ceremony had drawn immensely on my energies, leaving me utterly drained. It took me nearly an hour just to find the strength to stand. During this time, my mind replayed the events of the night and the profound insights they had bestowed. Before the ceremony, I had visited a spiritual store to pick up a few items and had come across a purple stone that instantly reminded me of the girl I was seeing. Throughout the ceremony, this stone had served as a tangible reminder of the past relationship I was struggling to move beyond.
As the ceremony drew to a close, I knew it was time to let go fully. In a symbolic gesture of release, I discarded the purple stone into the garden at the studio. This act wasn't just about letting go of the stone but also about releasing the weight of past emotions tied to it. As my friend and I departed, reflecting on our profound journeys, I felt a deep alignment with a path defined by authenticity and spiritual exploration. The insights from the night had forever altered my perception, steering me towards a future where I could explore my spirituality with a renewed sense of purpose and freedom.
Looking to integrate your plant medicine experience? Discover practical steps and insights on processing and applying the lessons learned from your ceremony in our comprehensive guide. Read this post.
