The First Ceremony: Sunrise

2020: A Year Unraveled

The year 2020 was nothing short of a roller coaster. My life in Montreal was just settling down after a buzzing 4-month stint in New York. Back in the familiar streets of this vibrant city, I rekindled my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and things were looking serious. With an entry-level finance job at Air Canada, my future seemed laid out before me, full of promise. Then, as if on cue, COVID-19 swept across the globe, reshuffling the deck of my life. My job was a casualty, like so many others, leaving me confined at home, wondering, "What next?"

The Spark of Anxiety

In those quiet moments at home, anxiety began to simmer beneath the surface, unnoticed. My days were spent lost in the labyrinth of financial theories and their societal impacts. For instance, did you know that the Treaty of Versailles, the post- World War I agreement, laid such a heavy burden on Germany that it arguably set the stage for World War II?

This kind of information enthralled me, but it was a message from my mom that brought me crashing back to reality. Our relationship, strained and complex, was something I'd delve into later. But that day, her text triggered something new and terrifying: my first panic attack.

The symptoms were textbook – tight chest, shortness of breath, a sense of impending doom. I desperately sought refuge in the brisk Montreal air, pacing and panting. I called a friend whose voice on the phone was a lifeline, identifying my experience as a panic attack. It was a jolt, a wake-up call, but life had to go on.

Monotony and Moments of Clarity

The lockdown days blended into each other – mornings spent making breakfast and scouring news channels, and evenings filled with movies and TV shows. Dave Portnoy's pizza reviews became a staple, prompting impromptu grocery runs in search of the perfect slice.

Despite the monotony, life had its moments. News of international flights resuming sparked a longing in me. With my family scattered – some in the US, a sister in Australia – I felt isolated. The chance to visit my sister Ruth in Miami was a beacon of hope. I booked a three-week trip, anticipation building with each passing day.

A Mystical Turn on a Familiar Path

One day, while tuning into a Joe Rogan podcast, a conversation about DMT and Ayahuasca caught my ear. My fascination with spirituality and mysticism was piqued.

This led me down a rabbit hole, ending with a Vice documentary on DMT. The journalist's vivid experience left me spellbound. Then, as if the universe was conspiring, a call from Ruth came through. She spoke of a transformative psychedelic therapy session, a 'ceremony,' and invited me to join her. The coincidence was uncanny. I was watching a documentary on the very topic!

I eagerly agreed, and the trip suddenly took on a new, exhilarating dimension. Fast forward a few weeks and now I find myself in Miami getting ready for my first psychedelic experience.

The Night Before the Ceremony

I remember having such a hard time falling asleep the night before. I was filled with a mix of excitement and nervousness. Despite listening to my brother-in-law's experiences and the numerous conversations I had heard on Joe Rogan's podcast, I couldn't form any sort of expectation. I finally managed to fall asleep later in the night but woke up super early, as you can imagine.

My sister and I dressed in our comfiest clothing, as instructed by the shaman, and grabbed our water bottles and notebooks before hopping into the Uber. We were buzzing with excitement the whole ride over until we finally reached the shaman's home.

We got out, knocked on the door, and were greeted by a lovely woman dressed in comfortable athletic wear. I mention her clothing because, for some reason, I had pictured her in a more elaborate, spiritual outfit adorned with feathers and such.

A Cozy Setting for Deep Exploration

Her home was cozy and welcoming, and her backyard was beautiful, complete with comfy pillows, blankets, and sleeping bags—the perfect setting for a ceremony.

After introducing ourselves and having a brief and comforting conversation about what to expect for the day, the shaman guided us to the backyard and gave us a cup of water mixed with magnesium. She explained that it was to help relax our jaws as they tend to tense up during these experiences due to the psychedelics. My sister and I jokingly laughed, wondering if she had secretly given us psychedelics instead of magnesium.

The shaman collected our cups after we finished drinking and began a prayer to open the ceremony. She called out for help and guidance from each direction of the world: north, south, east, west, up into the sky, and into the ground. Once the ceremony was open, she handed us our first dose and told us to make our own prayer to the medicine and tell it what we were hoping to get out of the experience.

Emotional Release and Spiritual Awakening

Once we finished consuming it, she then instructed us to get comfortable and close our eyes while she spoke about how the ceremony provides an opportunity to explore certain aspects of our lives, allowing us to delve into deep-seated emotions and memories.

She then allowed us to remain silent and relax into the experience. After about 30 minutes or so, my sister began to cry. The shaman came over to help her, and my sister started detailing what she was feeling and where it was coming from.

At this point, I didn't feel any of the psychedelics, but something told me that I needed to be there for my sister and listen to her pour out her emotions, even if I didn't know how to handle it. I lay beside my sister in my sleeping bag, holding her hand while the shaman guided her through her emotions.

It was an interesting experience in and of itself as I had never seen my sister in such a vulnerable place before. She had always been my strong and confident older sister, but in this moment, I caught a glimpse of who she was inside. I continued watching and holding her hand until the shaman asked me how I was feeling. I told her that I felt good but didn't feel any of the medicine. She then went inside and brought out my second dose, which she assured me I would feel.

A Deeper Dive into the Psychedelic Experience

After consuming the second dose, I stayed by my sister’s side watching as the shaman guided her through her emotions. Her guidance, at this moment, came in the form of questions she would ask my sister to help her dig through the layers of what she was feeling in order to get to the roots found at the bottom of her emotions.

As I lay there listening, their voices started to amplify as my senses began heightening from the psychedelics. I felt a surge of energy starting to fizzle inside of me, but it wasn't excitement—it was an energy of deep comfort spreading across my whole body. I felt like I was dropping into comfort, but the sound of their voices would snap me back.

I knew I needed to give myself some space, so I got up and walked my way over to a secluded section of the back that had a lawn chair and a fire pit and was completely shaded by the palm tree branches. It was the perfect place for me to drop deeper into my own ceremony.

I lay down on the lawn chair, placed a blanket over my body, and covered my eyes with an eye cover the shaman handed me before I left her and my sister’s side.

Once the cover came on, I was completely consumed by the comfort and kind of lost myself. It was as if I fell into an extremely deep nap.

A Spiritual Encounter Beyond Reality

As I regained consciousness, I could still feel the cover over my eyes, and everything was dark. But I felt an indescribable peace and calmness that seemed to radiate throughout my entire being. Slowly, I removed the blindfold and found myself in a different world, a spiritual dimension that felt like I was behind the scenes of reality.

The beauty of everything around me was overwhelming, from the trees to the colors to the wind brushing against my face. Everything had an energy that I could feel, and it was all alive. Looking up at the sky, I watched in awe as the sun rose and exploded with an energetic beauty that left me in an orgasmic trance, unable to speak or move.

To help you understand what happened to me next, I'll describe a sort of movie scene you might be familiar with: a man standing in an art museum, completely captivated by a painting. Another man approaches him and whispers in his ear, "You see that painting? It's my most prized possession, my Starry Night. You don't understand how long I worked on it, perfecting every single detail." Now, replace

the museum with the shaman's backyard, the painting with the sun, me as the man mesmerized by the beauty, and the artist whispering in my ear was God.

Conversations with the Divine

It was an emotional experience that left me in tears. As I turned to face the artist, I couldn't see him, but I could feel him and understand him. It was like my brain became a radio tuned into a frequency that translated the heat waves from the sun into my head, using my own informal language to speak with me so I can best understand him.

I felt his energy completely—it was the purest form of love and acceptance, as innocent and all-encompassing as the love of a child. Overwhelmed, I expressed my love for him and told him how lost and uncertain I felt in life, being unemployed and unsure of what to do next. I asked for guidance, and he responded by showing me a memory from my childhood.

In this memory, I was praying at the tomb of a revered rabbi, a tradition in Jewish culture, and I had asked God to make me a billionaire. God told me he was just flying over when had heard my prayer. He stopped for a moment to hear me out and began contemplating the request for a moment before deciding to grant it.

I saw a bouquet of doors, and God squeezed in another door in the middle, telling me that all I had to do was believe I could open the door and it would be mine. I turned away, feeling shy but excited, and saw the trees around me beaming with joy as they were shouting. "Did you hear that, Eli? You're going to be a billionaire! It's already been granted!". What was most remarkable was that I trusted God's words completely; I knew they were true and that made it all the more special.

He kept making it a point to tell me how amazing I am and how much he loved me. There was a moment where I kind of pulled away from his love and acceptance and shamefully told him that I watch porn. I was expecting him to either be disappointed or to tell me I needed to stop because of how bad those things were. But he didn’t. He simply answered back “I know Eli and it’s ok. I love you so much”. So much love and acceptance even through all the shame. He loved me fully even with all the negative stuff I believed was inside of me.

During our conversation, he shared with me how much he loved and respected my dad. He described a time when my dad was just a kid and how he had surprised him in a way that left a lasting impression. He explained how as a teacher, he usually focused on the students with the best and worst grades, neglecting those in

the middle. My dad was one of those middle students he wasn't paying attention to until he did something special that blew him away.

He then used a metaphor of everyone being born with a white t-shirt, a blank canvas. But in that moment, God was so impressed with my father's actions that he removed the white t-shirt and replaced it with a royal blue silk thobe. He showed me how he took threads from the universe and mixed them with my dad's blue silk thread to weave me and my siblings into existence. As I looked at my body, I saw a blue silk ribbon woven into my skin, a testament to my father's actions and the divine connection that we all share.

Final Moments and Reflections

During the ceremony, God spoke through me and shared messages for my sister and the shaman. He expressed his love for my sister and praised her for being a wonderful mother to her family. He also conveyed his deep respect for the shaman and her work, noting that she held a special place in his eyes because of her respect for other religions. He likened her to the heart of a sunflower, which is a little higher than its own petals.

As the ceremony began to wind down, God laid me back down onto the lawn chair and comforted me about the whole experience. He told me he had to go but he was

so happy we were able to spend time together. He told me if I wanted him to stay longer that he would, but I felt it was time for me to leave as well. I told him I love him, and I hope to see him again and we said our goodbyes.

As God's energy departed, I began to sense the presence of the medicine. It seemed to communicate to me, "You've had a great experience together, but before I leave your body, I want to show you something very significant to who you are." The medicine then presented me with a silent movie of a memory from when I was three years old, living in Israel. Although I had always held this memory in my mind, this time I was able to re-experience the emotions I felt during the event.

In this memory, I found myself sitting on the doorstep of my family’s home with a dear friend of mine, a girl with whom I spent a lot of time. When I witnessed myself back in this memory, I could sense that I was in love with her.

I don't recall the exact words I said to her, but I remember trying to express myself to her as a child who didn't fully understand how to speak any language. Despite my attempts, she misinterpreted my message. It may have been something silly like "you're stinky" or something, but I was attempting to convey the emotions I felt for her.

She got angry and pushed me. I now wonder if maybe she was trying to express her love in her own way, and I just misinterpreted it. Not knowing how to react, I mimicked her and pushed her back. This led her to grab a jar of pickles from my family's recycling bin and throw it onto my back.

Once again, I mimicked her and picked up a jar, but instead of throwing it at her back, I threw it into her face. Unfortunately, the jar I threw was filled with oily, spicy sauce which poured into her eyes, turning them bright red.

She started crying hysterically and ran home to her mother. I started crying too, feeling guilty for what I had done, and ran into my home and up the stairs to hide under my older brother's bed, hoping someone would come and save me.

As I sat there, crying, vulnerable, and alone, I heard someone climbing up the stairs. Finally, I thought, someone here to help support and guide me through this experience. But to my complete surprise, it was the girl's mother who showed up looking for me.

She found me crying under the bed, sat down in front of me, and proceeded to tell me how much of a failure I was and how much pain I caused her daughter. "My

daughter is blind because of what you have done, you idiot!" After a few scorching remarks, she finally stood up and left. I was still alone and wept even more.

I felt complete anger towards myself for what I had done, a sort of self-hatred. Was this what shame felt like? No one came to help, and I don't remember telling anyone. I just stood up, wiped my tears, and left.

Now, back in the shaman’s backyard I was finally aware of the pain and the shame I experienced in that memory, which becomes a centerpiece for what I work through in the next 3 ceremonies. I felt a sense of clarity and purpose, as if the pieces of my life were starting to come together. I eagerly anticipated what the next ceremonies would bring, and what further insights I would uncover. But for now, I simply savored the moment and the newfound awareness that had been gifted to me by the medicine.

Looking to integrate your plant medicine experience? Discover practical steps and insights on processing and applying the lessons learned from your ceremony in our comprehensive guide. Read this post.