The Tools We Create
Discovering the Tools We’ve Built
Yesterday, I found myself in an unexpected but profound conversation with my boss. We started with a general discussion on spirituality, which gradually led us into a conversation about how we handle and process difficult emotions. During this exchange, I had a deep realization about the habits and coping mechanisms many of us develop as we grow up.
Our Self-Made Coping Mechanisms
As children, we naturally encounter emotions that feel overwhelming. These might be the result of intense experiences or, sometimes, emotions that arise without clear explanation. Because we often aren’t taught that emotions will eventually pass, or shown by our caregivers that these feelings don’t define us, we start looking for ways to escape or control them. Without knowing it, we begin developing “tools” to cope—patterns like overthinking, nail-biting, mindless scrolling, shopping, eating, or even relying on external validation. These actions temporarily mask our discomfort by keeping our minds stimulated or distracted, helping us avoid sitting with the feeling.
At the time, these coping methods might feel necessary, even ingenious. Imagine a child or young adult who doesn’t yet have the emotional tools to process what they’re experiencing—they create their own solutions. And, in their own way, these solutions work, at least for a while. They buy us time, offering fleeting moments of relief that get us through until the next wave of discomfort arrives. But the truth is, these tools don’t process the emotion itself; they simply place it in a sort of “emotional waiting room,” where it eventually resurfaces, often in unexpected ways.
Embracing Surrender: A Personal Example
Real healing, I’ve come to understand, doesn’t come from avoiding or masking these feelings but from facing them head-on. For me, it’s been about sitting with uncomfortable emotions, allowing myself to experience them fully, and finding that they don’t last forever. It’s almost as though, in the simple act of observing, I become free from them. The emotions lose their grip. They pass, as all things do, and in their place, a sense of inner peace emerges.
Just today, I had the chance to practice this very process. I found myself hit with an intense wave of boredom. My mind, true to form, immediately started working on “solutions” to escape it. I thought of all the fun, engaging things I could do to fill the time and get rid of the feeling. But then, I remembered the conversation from yesterday, realizing that this was an ideal opportunity to practice surrender. I reminded myself that this boredom would pass, just as any feeling does, if I simply allowed it to be there without rushing to change it. So, I sat with it for a bit, doing nothing to resist or cover it up.
Then, as if by design, my phone buzzed with a message from my mom asking if I could come over and help her move some furniture. I decided to go, and what began as a simple favor turned into a beautiful moment. The actual task took only a minute, but afterward, we ended up sitting together, laughing about all the little things we’d been dealing with that week. In her presence, I felt a calm, quiet joy—a peaceful appreciation for the moment, and for her. The boredom I’d felt so strongly just a short time before had dissolved completely, replaced by something infinitely more fulfilling.
My boss shared a metaphor that really captured the essence of this realization: Imagine living on a remote island with a single tool—a hammer. If you needed to cut down trees, you’d eventually find ways to use that hammer effectively, no matter how inefficient it seemed. Over time, you’d adapt, making the best of what you had. Then, one day, a boat arrives with travelers, and one of them shows you an axe. Suddenly, cutting down trees becomes easier, faster, and far more effective. The work feels almost effortless in comparison. Before, the idea of an axe was beyond your imagination. But now that it’s here, the hammer isn’t as necessary as it once was. The metaphor highlights the “tools” we develop to cope with emotions: they’re effective, in their own way, but often there’s another path—one that’s been outside our awareness, just waiting to be discovered.
Our old coping mechanisms served a purpose, but true healing often begins when we question these habits and open ourselves to new ways of managing emotions. It’s not easy. There’s an initial challenge, a fear that letting go of these methods might leave us exposed. But when we take that leap, we find a whole new set of tools—tools that bring us closer to peace and fulfillment.
This is where the journey of healing takes a turn: it’s no longer about escaping discomfort, but about embracing it as a temporary visitor, knowing it doesn’t define us and that it too will pass. True freedom lies not in clinging to old methods, but in embracing the new, even if it’s unfamiliar at first. In the space that surrender creates, we find a gentler, more compassionate approach to ourselves and the experiences we carry within us.
What Tools Have You Built?
We all have our own unique ways of handling difficult emotions, patterns we've developed over time to navigate life’s challenges. Take a moment to reflect: What are the “tools” you’ve created? Perhaps it’s overthinking, distracting yourself, or leaning on certain habits. While these tools may have served you in the past, are they still helping you, or could it be time to explore new approaches?
Consider trying a moment of surrender the next time a challenging emotion surfaces. Instead of reaching for a quick fix, see what it’s like to simply observe the feeling, knowing that it will pass. You may be surprised at what unfolds when you allow yourself to sit with discomfort.
If this resonates with you or if you have your own experiences or reflections to share, I’d love to hear from you! Feel free to send me a message with your thoughts or questions. This is a space for shared learning and growth, and I’m always excited to connect with fellow seekers on this journey. Let’s learn and support one another as we explore the path toward peace and presence.
