The Fourth Ceremony: Dusk
Eager Anticipation and Opportunity
The following morning, once it was an appropriate hour to call, I immediately dialed Kim and Carol and expressed my eagerness to join their upcoming ceremony. They found my enthusiasm amusing and admired my determination but informed me that the group was already full, and it was too last-minute to accommodate me. With a big smile, I responded, "That's great... when someone cancels, I'll be here waiting for that spot." Deep down, I knew I was destined to be part of this ceremony and have a profound experience.
This phone call took place on Wednesday, and on Thursday, I received the call I had been anticipating. "You'll never believe it, but someone canceled, and the spot has opened up for you, Eli," Carol exclaimed over the phone. Gloating, I replied, "What did I tell you?"
Preparation and Arrival
I remembered fasting on Friday and avoiding coffee throughout the week. When Saturday morning arrived, I once again donned comfy pajamas, grabbed my pillow and eye cover, and called an Uber to Carol's place. Skipping ahead past the initial ceremonies, which you're likely familiar with, I arrived at the part where the shamans distributed the medicine. After ingesting my serving, I lay down in my sleeping bag, gazing at the sky and trees.
I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear, feeling that I was exactly where I was meant to be. The question I had posed to God during the breathwork ceremony would now be answered. I watched the trees, the plants, and the sun's radiant glow over the landscape. Joy welled up within me, and I couldn't stop smiling and relaxing.
Vision of Divine Presence
The trees and plants gradually transformed into a lush garden, and I found myself immersed in my first vision. I was in a cozy home, with a man seated at the head of a prominent dining table. Recognizing his presence as God, I observed that this time, He took on the form of The Father.
He sat in the position my own father had occupied throughout my childhood. As I approached God, I sensed Him deep in thought. In this idyllic garden, surrounded by all His children, God felt a significant lesson approaching, one entirely new and potentially painful. He sensed this impending experience on the periphery and was uncertain how to bring it to fruition until an idea occurred to Him.
Divine Edict and Rejection
In the next scene, God stood in the garden, carving a single rule onto a massive tree: "YOU MUST LOVE ME." God declared to all His children that they now had a rule to follow, which was to love Him.
As God retreated into His home, He observed their reactions, knowing that this great lesson and experience required it to be brought forth through one of His children, causing Him the anticipated pain.
Time shifted, and I found myself back in the dining room, with God at the head of the table, accompanied by a teenage boy and girl. They appeared to be in a relationship with the energy of a young couple.
The boy's name was Adam, and the girl's name was Eve. In this scene, Eve engaged in a heated argument with her father, while her boyfriend, Adam, stood silently by. The argument seemed to culminate with Eve shouting at God, "Well, you know what... I DON'T LOVE YOU."
She then grabbed Adam's hand, and together they ran toward a magically appearing door, leaving God's home. I looked back at God, who was now experiencing the pain and lesson He had sought. What He felt was the painful realization that not everyone needed to love Him.
Surreal Awakening and Emotional Turmoil
As I recorded this scene in my notebook and comprehended the lesson, I lost consciousness, departing from this world.
The subsequent scene was surreal. I awoke in complete darkness and chaos, with groovy jazz music playing and hundreds of eyeballs opening and closing, fixated on me. Silhouettes of women danced around, and mouths emerged from the darkness, contributing brief vocals to the music before vanishing.
Gradually, I regained some semblance of consciousness and opened my eyes. I found myself in a space between Carol's backyard and another dimension. Looking up, I saw invisible footsteps approaching me. A spirited voice declared, "Mmm mmm, nope, you need a little more," and I was thrust back into the chaos.
The world spun in disarray until I crash-landed back on Earth. It felt as if this spirit had spun me around to distract my mind, only to abruptly slam me back down to Earth, unlocking a door deep within my subconscious – the door to my subconscious.
Confrontation with Inner Voices
After the crash landing, I was consumed by profound sadness and despair that poured out of my subconscious. This overwhelming feeling engulfed the world, and all I could do was lie there and experience the raw sadness. I remained in this state for about an hour, immobile and fully aware of the emotion.
Gradually, the sadness began to transform into something else, accompanied by voices in my head. These voices echoed sentiments like, "If you want to be successful, you have to be confident and an asshole," and "If you want women to like you, you have to be confident."
The voices multiplied, with my father, mother, sister, ex-girlfriend, friends, teachers, and even strangers all reiterating the same message: "You have to be everything but yourself to get what you want."
Rage and Resolution
The overwhelming feeling of sadness and dread in the world represented the accumulation of all the times I had tried to be someone other than myself and faced failure. This belief had controlled my life for years, causing immense pain, unbeknownst to me.
Listening to everyone's voices but my own, I took responsibility for the first time, and the sadness and dread finally transformed into pure, seething anger. I was furious with everyone, including myself, for believing them. In my rage, I gathered all the blankets in the shaman's home and cocooned myself in them, determined to burn away this part of me and eliminate it entirely.
I lay there, consumed by anger and rage, as a fellow participant approached me with a slice of mandarin fruit. I snapped at him, rejecting the offering, and Kim intervened, explaining that I needed space to process my intense emotions. (Thank you, Kim!)
I remained in this fiery rage for about an hour before we were called inside to form a circle and share our experiences with the group. Still sweating from my anger, I delivered a concise message when it was my turn: "You fail 100% of the time when you try to not be yourself."
With that, I left it at that, uninterested in elaborating or ensuring everyone understood. My focus was solely on myself, and for the first time, I loved it.
Looking to integrate your plant medicine experience? Discover practical steps and insights on processing and applying the lessons learned from your ceremony in our comprehensive guide. Read this post.
